There was a two week period in November during which I woke up at 2-3 am every night without fail feeling anxious. My heartbeat slowly spread until it took over my entire body. In the cool darkness of my bedroom, I wondered if I would be stuck this way forever.
People experience anxiety in different ways. For me, I feel it as a lack of weight. It’s a hollow tension in the centre of my chest, just above the part where my ribcage ends. My lungs have swelled to fill up the space formerly occupied by my heart and every breath is a replacement for a heartbeat, it feels light in a dangerous way like I can’t tether my thoughts. I know it will be over soon but every slow intake only seems to drag out the experience.
If the feeling was a food it would be a jacket potato after the innards have been scooped out. And the potato skin you still has to hold itself up and go back to the farm and pretend to fit in with the rest of the potatoes.
It’s part of the reason why I try not to drink coffee. Half the time it gives me a feeling that mimics anxiety,
The trigger this time was trying to decide if I was going to continue on with my master’s or not. (I’ve decided to give it one more semester and then take a sabbatical).
This decision realistically has very little impact on the rest of my life, objectively there is not a lot to be worried about. I have a good career, financial stability, friends, family, and 3 months of vacation every year. But anxiety doesn’t care about any of that. It cares that I feel like I’m a quitter and dropping out would prove that I’ve been a terrible math teacher all along.
I miss the forest for the trees. Life is larger than we can ever experience but our limited experiences are all we can live life through. What I felt in those two weeks is a tiny part of my whole life, a barely perceptible part in my friends’ lives, and nothing to anyone outside of that circle. I can tell myself all these platitudes but I still have to live through these crappy moments.
I wrote this to share a part of my very mundane struggles. I don’t want this blog to be just about what my budget is or all my travels, and I certainly don’t want to portray that I’m a qualified adult. If you’re out there and also having garden variety anxiety over life, hope this helped you feel less lonely and more normal.
I’ve started waking up at 2-3 am again this week. I’m not really quite sure why this time, just gotta try my best to ride out the waves. Any tips you’ve got for me?