I’m taking a break from my Master’s.

In September I started an online Master’s of Mathematics for Teaching. I’m doing well, learned a lot, and will be taking a break for this next semester.

I feel like I’m no longer clear on why I’m pursuing this degree because it links with one of my (many) fears: I worry that I’m bad at math and my real talent is just being very good at faking teaching.

I think 50% of the reason why I chose to pursue a master’s of mathematics in teaching is because I feel like an imposter. If I have this master’s, I can finally prove to myself I’m good enough. I also can’t reliably tell you what the other 50% is so that’s super duper reassuring, haha! It varies between just diving deeper into a subject I like and because I know it’ll make me more marketable.

Have I mentioned I might switch careers in a couple of years into something totally different? No?

Logically, I know the following.

• The GPA for my university math courses was (is?) 4.0/4.0
• I TA’d an undergrad math course while I was still a student in that course.
• I’ve won a few awards/recognitions for teaching
• My student surveys show the kids are learning and liking learning
• My average for my master’s (of mathematics in teaching) so far is about 90%

Emotionally, writing these out still does not get rid of the feeling that I’m not very good at math, teaching, or teaching math.

I realized having low self-esteem is not a good enough reason to sacrifice a large portion of my free time and a decent amount of money so I’m taking this next semester off. When you’re going through the motions of life it’s tough to reevaluate why you’re doing what you do, and if that’s the ‘best’ thing you can be doing. I’m lucky to be in a place where I can stop and think about the following questions which have been floating around my brain for the past…8 months.

• Do I want to do it for financial gain? What’s the point of more money?
• Where will I eventually settle down? (Some countries don’t count Master’s on their salary scale).
• Do I like the knowledge enough for its own sake to continue anyway?
• How likely am I to switch into a career where this degree will be meaningless?
• Are there other things I would rather do?
• Do I just fear hard work?
• Am I Failing At Life (TM) if I don’t finish what I started?
• Why do I actually want this?

Once I answer these questions, I will finish the Master’s if it will bring a net benefit to my life. All I need to do is figure out what’s a benefit to my life. That just requires me to figure out what is life. Easy 👌.

Perhaps it’s a small quarter-life freakout, or perhaps I realize I’ve been living a lie and quit to pursue my true passion, creating charts. I struggle a lot with feeling like second-guessing myself is just admitting defeat and weak. That’s obviously stupid so this gal will be doing some serious self-reflection in the next 4 months 🕵🏻‍♀️

I once read a quote that goes roughly “The days are long but the years are short”. I’m here to tell you the days are short too. There are so many things I want to do, no time to do them all so I can’t really afford to spend too much time on the stuff I kind of like when I know there are things I really love I’m not doing.

I don’t want to simply go with the flow and one day wake up filled with regret.

What do you think? Help me, internet, you’re my only hope.